


Contradictions, Realizations & Acceptance

by miyassam



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Best Friends, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Insecurity, Kozume Kenma Needs a Hug, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Overthinking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28352934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miyassam/pseuds/miyassam
Summary: Kenma will never be more than that in Kuroo’s eyes. He will always be only a best friend. Just a best friend.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	Contradictions, Realizations & Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Christmas gift for a friend. (◕‿◕✿) Hello, Jaweeeey if you're reading this then sending virtual hugs.

_“Kenma…”_

_“What is it?”_

_“Uhm you see... tonight I know we always celebrate Christmas eve with each other right...and you see…”_

Kenma dreaded the next words Kuroo would say, but somehow he already knew this would happen. It was expected, but that does not mean he wasn’t feeling disappointed. This was one of those times Kenma hated his perceptiveness. 

He did not say any word on the other line, he doesn’t want to, more like he doesn't know what to say. He chose to be silent like always, waiting for the other to speak. 

_“I’m going to Kei’s flat tonight to celebrate with him. It was his first time inviting me to their place.”_

Kenma felt a familiar pang in his heart and clutched his phone tighter. The words _'don’t go'_ were almost on the tip of his tongue begging to be said. It was so tempting that he had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from saying so. 

It was already painful for him knowing this would happen, but hearing it from Kuroo himself made it more painful. Kenma doesn’t trust himself to answer immediately because he’s sure his voice would falter. He doesn’t want to spoil his best friend’s excitement and worry about him. 

Goodness, this is only a Christmas eve dinner which they always do as a tradition for almost 15 years so why would he make a big deal out of it?

_Who am I even kidding?_

15 years was not just something, those years were everything for Kenma. He was clearly not thinking about the canceled dinner at all. It was a whole different issue, an issue he has been trying so hard to ignore these past months.

There’s no helping it now, it’s just the way it is, he thought bitterly. Kenma took a deep breath, he was trying hard to hide his disappointment. 

_“Kenma?? Are you still there?”_ Kuroo asked, his tone clearly worried about Kenma’s silence. 

_“Yeah… I know… enjoy your night with him. Send my regards to Tsukishima for me”_ Kenma answered. He was almost amazed at how he sounded casually when he was seconds away from falling apart.

_“I will. Promise I’ll make it up to you after this”_

Hearing that promise from Kuroo hurt him instead of assuring him. Because deep inside he knows…

it will not be the same as old times. 

This is the part where Kuroo will always put Tsukishima as his top priority. This is understandable because it's Kuroo's Tsukishima, his best friend’s object of affection. And Kenma, as Kuroo’s best friend, should understand it. Kenma did understand, but somehow his feelings were contradicting him and were so against it. The idea of Kuroo spending less time with him doesn’t sit right with him.

Kenma couldn’t take it anymore and ended the call without even saying anything. He never thought a five-minute call would drain him this much. He doesn’t have any energy to stream any of his favorite games or just stream a short greeting for his subscribers. He feels too shitty right now to do anything at all. 

Deciding this is enough emotional turmoil for him, Kenma just slept through the whole day with a heavy heart.

* * *

When Kenma woke up, it was already past 8 in the evening. Out of habit, he gets his phone to message Kuroo and ask him what time he’ll arrive just to stop midway when he remembered their call this morning. 

_Kuroo will not arrive._

_You’re alone tonight._

_Get over it._

_“Fuck”_

He really just wanted to go back to sleep again and end the night already, but his pounding head and 12 hours of sleep did not agree. 

Standing up, Kenma walked his way to his bar shelf and pulled out the hardest alcoholic poison he has. 

_Why bother preparing for dinner when I’m just going to celebrate alone._

He went back to his living room and as Kenma placed the alcohol bottles on his coffee table, he noticed the small elegant red box sitting prettily in front of him. He held the box gently as he stared at it fondly, it was his gift for Kuroo, an Alvaro Castagnino tie. Kenma let out a smile remembering how it took him hours picking the design of the necktie. Five hours and three salesladies later, he decided to settle in a glen check patterned silk tie in burgundy and white scheme. Kenma knew it would fit Kuroo’s suit well, too bad Kenma wouldn’t be able to give his present tonight. 

_Should I throw it?_ Was Kenma’s initial thought but immediately decided against it, Kuroo would probably pester him for his gift tomorrow. He placed back the box on his coffee table and just stared at particularly… nothing. 

There were a lot of negative feelings surfacing through him, but loneliness was the most palpable one. The melancholy silence that enveloped him didn’t help him, rather it was amplifying everything. For Kenma, silence is one of his best comforts given with him hating loud and crowded places. But now, at this moment, the silence was giving him anything but comfort.

Having thought of that, Kenma turned on the television to whatever channel available. He needed background noises to lessen the cruel silence of his space. And he needed lots of alcohol tonight if he wanted to forget every ugly feeling inside him.

_even for a bit_

  
  


Unfortunately, Kenma was only on his second bottle when the hollow feeling was back again. He couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to his sea of regrets and what-ifs and whatever bullshit his insecure self could think of. 

Kenma always asks himself if he made the right decision to hide his feelings to the deepest parts of his heart. But then again, he always finds himself settling to just be a best friend and always be on Kuroo’s side when needed. He can’t afford to lose Kuroo and their friendship just because he decided to be selfish and confess his feelings out in the open. For Kenma, this was the safest route for both of them. 

_Safest but not painless_ , Kenma laughed sardonically at this thought. 

He was too naive to think this way, oh how out of character for someone like him. 

He already made his final resolve to be that way long ago. But the pathetic resolve started crumbling the first time Kuroo told him he likes Tsukishima. It cracked each day whenever he saw Kuroo happy because of the tall blond. It cracked even more whenever he heard Kuroo tell something about Tsukishima, a blush, and a lovesick look always present. Kenma had never seen that expression on Kuroo, it was clearly only reserved for one Tsukishima Kei.

He wanted to feel that kind of special treatment too but it was impossible for him. After all Kenma’s role is only a spectator to Kuroo’s affections but he was never the receiver. Kenma is only a listener to those sappy stories that made Kuroo happy and more in love, but he was never the reason.

It was pure torture, Kenma could feel his heart falling apart piece by piece slowly like how a flower’s petals fall one by one as it dies after being left alone and ignored. It felt like that. 

A sudden notification ping pulled Kenma out of his misery only to dive back right into it when he saw the attached image from the sender. 

It was a photo of Kuroo and Tsukishima, his best friend smiling through the camera, an expression so bright and content. He was holding Tsukishima at his side so closely that it almost looked like cuddling. Kenma is not that stupid, he knows _it is_ cuddling. Tsukishima bears a shy blush as he stares into the camera, maybe embarrassed because of Kuroo’s antics, while holding a medium-sized dinosaur plushie. Kenma also knows that plushy is a Christmas present from Kuroo, Kenma was with him when they bought it just last week after all. 

They both look so happy and… 

_in love._

While Kenma’s drunk ass is here having his self-pity party all alone. 

Forget his poor metaphor on how his heart was falling apart piece by piece these past months because his heart is smashed whole without any mercy the longer he looks at the attached image and the lovesick expressions apparent on Kuroo and Tsukishima. 

Kenma released a dry laugh that immediately turned into a choked sob. It soon became harder to breathe, he didn’t even care about the teardrops continuously falling on his phone screen. Kenma doesn’t know if this was the alcohol’s doing making him so fucking emotional or it was because this is the final straw. It really is happening. 

This surge of realizations hit him so hard that it pained him physically, and emotionally. 

  
  


It fucking hurts. It fucking hurts to see that _'Kenma! We’re official! Merry Christmas indeed!'_ message just below the attached image. 

  
  


Kenma couldn’t even say any reply, how could he when he is in this state. He might just say something he would surely regret later.

  
  


He feels broken.

Wrong, he is _broken_. He also feels like a bad best friend which made the whole thing worse. Why can’t he feel happy for his best friend? For the two of them? Tsukishima is a good man, and Kenma knows he will take good care of Kuroo. Kenma knew they would last long, he saw how happy they were when together. He saw how those two exchange tender smiles and affections. He saw how those two admire each other. He knew and saw it, so why? What is this ugly feeling? As his best friend, he should be happy. So why can’t he do the same? Why?

Why?

_WHY?!_

_Because it was not you._

_You wanted more than this._

_You felt replaced._

_You wanted his place in Kuroo’s heart._

_You wanted to be that special someone._

_You brought this to yourself._

With these thoughts, Kenma cried harder. He feels sick all over again. He thought how hypocritical he was. There he was, being brave and confident that he could always stay as Kuroo’s best friend for the rest of their damn lives and not to tell a single shit about his feelings. He promised to himself that he will stay on Kuroo's side, supporting him no matter what. 

But now that it is really happening in front of him, as he saw Kuroo happy because of someone else and not him, he realized that all his claims were bullshit. At the end of the day, Kenma was envious of Tsukishima and his place in Kuroo’s heart.

He will never be the one Kuroo opens up to first. He will never be the one Kuroo sees the first thing in the morning. He will never feel those passionate kisses and touches. He will never know how Kuroo loves someone so dear to him. 

He will always be just at the sidelines, a listener, a spectator.

Kenma will never be more than that in Kuroo’s eyes. He will only be a best friend. Just a _best friend._

It was too late for Kenma. 

This is his reality now, a reality that is too painful to accept and too hard to swallow. 

All night Kenma drowned himself in alcohol and let it all out. His pain, insecurities, regrets, and heartaches, he fucking let out all of it. He let himself cry in his cold and empty apartment, _alone_.

* * *

When Kenma woke up, it was again because of his pounding head, but more painful as if his head was about to explode.

He looked around and saw bottles of alcohol scattered on his carpeted floor. He doesn't know he could drink this much, oh the things you would do when broken hearted.

Standing up, he navigated his way to his bathroom sluggishly to find some pain killers. He walked inside the bathroom and saw his reflection from his life size mirror. God, he looked like shit. His eyes are puffy from all the tears he let out, he has dark circles under his eyes even though he spent all his time yesterday sleeping and his face is blotchy. Damn remembering everything happened and how he broke down, wow he really went all out. He was such a mess last night and Kenma would never have thought he’d act like that in his lifetime.

After drinking two painkillers and a glass of water, he went back to his living room and started cleaning all his mess.

Somehow, Kenma felt fine. He is not sure himself what kind of _fine_ it is, but he thinks that the alcohol last night really loosened all of his bottled feelings and anxiety. 

That does not mean it was any less painful though, especially when he checked his phone and saw again the attached image. 

Kenma let out a tired sigh. 

_This again._

Funny how a call, a single image, and a short phrase turned him into a fucking mess last night. 

After all of his realizations last night and reflecting on them now that he has cleared out his mind, it is indeed too late for him now, there’s nothing he could about it but to move forward. He would stay as a best friend, as it should be. The only difference is that he would do it without any hidden insecurities behind. This time Kenma could say that he was happy for Kuroo and Tsukishima, genuinely.

He will be fine, not now, not tomorrow, not even in the next coming months, but he’ll work it out somehow. 

_Slowly but surely._

Accepting reality is better than denying it any longer in Kenma’s opinion. Denial would only make him more miserable and Kenma couldn’t do that to himself anymore. 

Now to his first step moving forward. Kenma typed a short reply.

_“Merry Christmas, I’m happy for you idiot”_

Kenma let out a gentle smile and started his routine as usual. Time for him to distract himself. 

_I will be the best best friend out there._ Was his last thought. This would be Kenma’s secret promise to Kuroo.


End file.
